Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

It Echoes in here

Sunday, July 24th, 2011

I am coming to you from the bottom of a deep hole. Pretty dark down here.

To arrive at this juncture has been a long journey of choices, lately not so good ones. The main impetus for the descent was/is paralysis. Rather than work my way up I decided it was easier to not try. And necessary to this paralytic choice was, and remains to be, a numbness of the senses. Hence I don’t really feel a great deal of pain after hitting the bottom. Maybe I didn’t really drop that far.

So I’ve been here kind of doing what I can to maintain myself and my current path of paralytic idleness, similar to a child playing with his toys while his parents argue. Rather than face the prospect of his world collapsing the child will immerse himself in the world he makes up, right then and there. Truly in the moment. The fantastical yet very purposeful world of trucks moving around, hauling dirt, building tunnels and mastering the environment can be, needs to be, and is fully engaging, all in the name of waiting until the real world is fathomable. Even though I am playing in the real world and much of what I have done hints at being engaged, it still remains a means of idling. Trouble is in this current stage of my life it really is my job to right the world, and waiting for it, or for someone else to do it, well, is just stupid.

So when my wife shines a light on the utter stupidity of my situation, I am shamed, yet expectantly not experiencing a lot of pain. Certainly not enough to actually grow a pair and do what so many other worthy fellow humans have done and face their unbalanced life and make it right. A friend asked me what would it take to make me crawl out of this hole – losing the house, or losing my marriage? I chose to ignore that train.

The train I had taken is one shared by many. You move along with your life, make choices that fit, ones that profit you in some way. Specifically job choices – you find something that you can do and along the way opportunities arise that are a no-brainer and you ‘advance’, improving your material growth.
I had certain talents, intrinsic skills, that proved to be useful so that my first ‘career’ path fell into the above playbook. Ba-da-boom, things went smoothly.
Then they didn’t. When assessing the new status, I figured I could adapt the playbook to new chosen fields of endeavor. Figured wrong. The first ‘career’ was successful because of an external very comprehensive initial training, correlating intrinsic skills and a fairly predictable playing field. The new playing fields, though very shiny with possibility, had only very minimal introductory training. The fields themselves keep morphing, which is very annoying, but at first consideration was thought to be a great way to keep things fresh with constant opportunities to learn. The trouble turns out to be my intrinsic skills, it seems I am not one who can juggle, constantly. Turns out my intrinsic education is good for distraction and static playing fields. At least that is the impression one has when sitting at the bottom of a hole.

The light has been turned off for now. Another day (not a ‘new’ day) is here. We’ll see.

My Two Story Fall from the Porch

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

We had a five foot square porch off the back of our second story flat on Hill Street in the Mission which had an exceptional open view to the sky and a very passable view of a section of the city. The incident to be related occurred about eight years into living at this flat.

Now over this time our ever frugal landlady had refrained from any non-emergency maintenance because of her dread fear of being taken advantage of unscrupulous handymen, for instance the ones who had painted the house prior to our move in. None the less the house still stood solid, a testimony to the craftsmanship of 1879.